The Big Weekend 2019 Part 2 Friday Saturday

 Yesterday was a long time ago. I'm in St Leonard's now.*

In fact, that's shite, it's still Friday! I can look up at the few glass bricks and see blue still in the sky... Fk sake.

High up the wall- maybe 4 metres? 20 or so opaque glass blocks. Blurred and too far away. The sky is dark or light.

 I loved the blue. Twilight. The world would be slowing down now. I'd comfort myself with that. That thought would make me feel like I was there with them, wishing. They'd be tired too. 

Im no upset, nor angry. I stare. I lie on a mattress thinner the soles of your shoes. I won't move. 

I'm really fkin hardened to this, but that means nothing. I'm broken everytime. Staring at the camera behind the mesh... Are they watching?? 

- one time I smuggled in a bag of vallies by mistake.. found them on the 3rd day in one of my pockets.

 They weren't watching then! Swung round and quick as that they were necked.. couldn't believe it. 

Rustling through my trousers frantically for something to ease the boredom.. (thoughts of outside air) I found their pearly white presence. Junkie dreams..

 The cell is a 10 foot square, raised concrete slab (bed), mattress. 

Linoleum floor- blue, deep blue. The bed slab too.

The walls, yellow. Fluorescent bulb. Yellow. I was ill and this cell was yellow. 

I've been here since this morning. Probably 12 hours .. 60 to go.

I was brought in by the CID... Violating my tag.. - No questioning, just straight in the van, through the back of st Leonard's to the custody staff. 2 hour wait. Cops would be chatting about a pint after work... I didn't hate them.. I wished they'd invite me. I'm not bad mate.

"That's me got" "head down"

Died inside when I opened that door this morning 

The CID just happened to be on their way home. It was Friday after all. I Wonder what the people are doin with their weekends.

I could tell the 5-0 liked me. Tried to cheer me up. Fair play... But it wasn't them getting kidnapped and forced into withdrawal. 

They always assumed i was one of these nice these c*nts.. it made me feel fake. No harm in keeping up the appearance though. Maybe I'll get some DFs for my amicable nature (baws) 

Really I was probably their biggest underestimation.. I was gonna jump the 15 foot drop and go awol. Why not? The warrant was shite. It almost seemed so pleasant! 

A gleeful jump n roll I thought.. jump n roll- piece of piss. Down the embankment through springtime sbrub to the warm embrace of opioid home..

The cops would just shake their heads n go well..  ya know what? He wasn't a bad cnt we'll get him next week. 

Not this time boys I'd say! Off I'd fly.

Castle Cliff has high balconies that you can hop down from. Both cops, hardly in good shape, where walking in front of me and, honestly I couldn't believe how much I wanted to leg it over the fence, execute a gymnastic roll and be off. They'd have to take the stairs. 

Spring sun was too bright over the rooftops. I was ill. Sweaty. Horrible. Save me mother (I'm so sorry) 

I've never thought of flinging myself off a building- doesn't seem to have much appeal to me, but it certainly made a good case that morning... 

Oh fuck... Friday morning... Whole weekend.sick sick..  I'm not even sick really. Nooo yet matey

I was ill. And I just wanted to go. Stevieee. I could of hopped the railings twenty feet down and just ran. 

Homeless, habit, jail, arrest. Broken ankles. 

I could just jump n get away, I could of too! I charmed them into leaving the cuffs off. 

"You won't be silly will you Robbie?" Asked the detective.. 

"Nah no chance mate" replied the law breaking scumbag. Thought I'd do the right thing for once and slide into that metal box at the back of the meatwagon. 

Freedom. Withdrawal. If only I had chosen earlier. 

 Opening the door it struck me how fresh the air was. Usually that's painful, but leaves and trees just up above the grassmarket swayed in the first inklings of Spring. 

The CID are clones...

The contrast between the north face windbreakers ( why do these polis c**nts all dress the same?) and the free unattended trees dancing there just metres away.... 

I Couldnt take it. 

Hostel staff were brand new. Wished me well. 

" Room will still be here when you're back Robbie,"

- I'd kitted it out with a wee rug and electric fireplace..  costly. My on/off gf was always welcome and we did have good times. 

Fucking weekend warrant though... 

No thoughts as I drove through town.

Custody Sergeant 

If you've ever had all your hopes and dreams that you've waited and strived for- strived for with all you have- cause it's all you can't do without - all that matters- and you've battled n battled for ..alone. heroin to save me

Taken away. 

Ten minutes earlier I would of been on the bus to Stevie. .

... How did it get here. Don't think about that now. 

Cause if you think about it now you start imagining all of them.. all of them. Sitting down at the flats where I want to be.

Sitting crammed on couches tannin the gear high as fk, laughing, not a care in the world. 

But there's being a drug soldier and this is part of it- get me in that station and get me through the fucking booking process. 

It'll be the twenty thirtieth time.. lost count. Strip searched, no mattress, yellow walls, no food. 

Worst of all is the " families outside stencil".. I can't picture it now, PTSD. It's been there at my worst and I never wanted to think of outside. 

Best mates when I was sober and younger had dinner parties two streets away from my cell.. 

Probably there now just getting through life like me. 

But this is day one and Ive been very bad. Eighth a day- I'm gonna rattle.. bad..